I remember the last time a sweetheart decided to break up with me. I thought I was prepared for something like that. I had thought about it before and had fine-tuned how I would handle the situation. You know, as a cool dude, I won’t rant, rave, or froth at the mouth while I moaned the injustice of it all. God forbid I even sink low to begging her to give me another chance. But when it eventually happened, I didn’t know when I picked the phone, furiously dialled her number with shaking hands and proceeded to rant and rave about the injustice of it all. That was one of the most eloquent moments in my short stay on earth. Gosh, I nailed the grieving/jilted lover thing perfectly. It was so good she wanted to change her mind. Hell no! I was determined to play the injured lover to the hilt. Nobody was going to rain on my parade.
Well we broke up and never got back together. That break up notice was through a text message. It’s really fashionable theses days to just relax back on your couch and send a message to your partner about breaking up. But is it fair? Shouldn’t a delicate thing like this be done properly with the respect it deserves? Like calling your girl to a meeting somewhere nice and tell her in well modulated tones the reasons you want out of the relationship? But like all things in life, there is no set rules about the best way to tell her you want to break up. Most times we play it by the ear. Just go with our guts instincts. And it can surely depend on the kind of girl you want to break up with.
Have a read at my perfected techniques for breaking up with different kinds of girls. Be nice and tell me later how they could be done better.
How to break up with a homely girl
These sort are very difficult to break up with. From where I am sitting, I don’t see why any decent guy would want to do it. They have everything or at least most things men look out for in a woman. They are the ones we take to see our parents.
So if you are stupid enough to want out of the relationship, you need to extend all courtesy and respect to her. Sit her down and carefully explain why you want to break up. She might cry and do all that stuff to soften you, so I advice you take several shots of tequila to steel your heart. If that fails, just set her up to meet you in a compromising postion with another girl. Homely girls never stand for that nonsense. She’d toss you out faster than a bullet leaves a gun. Mission accomplished.
Breaking up with a professional fitness coach
Why any man would date ladies like that beats me. But hey, you made your bed. In this group falls characters like that Brienne girl in Game of Thrones. Basically I am talking about girls whose physical strength questions your manhood.
Breaking up with them is all about putting distance between the two of you while breaking the news. So, come up with a reason to live town. Business trip or family issues. Just let her know you won’t be in town for a few days. So while you are holed up in a seedy hotel somewhere in town, call her up and tell her the news. No matter how badly she takes the news, at least you aren’t close by to be at the business end of a good punch. And since you are out of town, she won’t have to race over to your place to reason with you in her own forceful way.
It’s best if you stay out her way for as long as possible. She’d calm down eventually. Girls like that always do.
Breaking up with a bad-tempered girl
You need to prepare well. First change the locks in your apartment. Inform security (if you have one) in your home and office not to let her in. Point being, girls like that always go down fighting. They won’t mind shattering that huge TV in your sitting room. And just to make it count, they’d do things to your expensive car you’d think the car was involved in a controlled accident.
The best way to relay the news is in a place she would find difficult to make a scene. A church for instance. You can start by telling her how God spoke to you. Be creative. The bottmline is to make her understand it wasn’t really your decision. It was all divine intervention. It is nonsense. She knows it. But then, being reasonable won’t make any difference to her. So you might as well go with the bullshit. Being that you are in a sacred environment, her respect for God won’t allow her do anything voilent. And please, at the end, tell her you want to be left alone to pray. That’s your way of making sure you don’t go out of that premises with her.
Breaking up with a career lady
This should be a piece of cake. Career woman tend to be rational and thoughtful. They are hardly impulsive. I mean, these are women that could be controlling the fates of several people where they work.
To break up, you can invite her over for dinner, preferably in your apartment. And after a lovely meal, present your case rationally, listing out in nice order the reasons you want to split. If you don’t have any good excuse, just tell her you can’t cope with her success. That is, the fact she earns a bigger salary than you undermines your role as a man. She’d look at you with disdain and calmly walk out of there leaving you to your miserable existence. Easy.
Now you’ve read my ingenious ways to handle break ups, don’t forget to tell me how I could do it better. Or perhaps you have different ideas how to manage breaking up with ladies, do tell us here or Facebook and on our Twitter feed.